Encounter with an Ancestor: Watercourse Way

Watercourse Way

This story is part of a series. Readers are welcome to start at the beginning, to return to the most recent story in this series, or to jump in here:

October, 2021

Because of the complexity of her case plus the nearness of her death, it made more sense for Brooke to go to the Hospice Inpatient Unit than to hospice at home. I drove the half hour to High Point to visit her soon after she was admitted, and I turned on my recording device in the parking lot.

With COVID precautions still in place, only 4 visitors were allowed at a time, and there was a doorbell at the front to let people in. As I figured out how to enter the building, I was approached by a man with smiling eyes behind his surgical mask. Just as the door was unlocked from the inside, he spoke to me:

"Are you Will, by any chance?"

"Yeah, you must be Adam" (one of Brooke's twins).

"I am."

"You know, as I walked up, I saw those eyes of yours and I was like, 'I wonder.'"

"Yeah. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too."

"This is Triston," Adam gestures to Brooke's grandson.

"Hey Triston, good to see you." The three of us walk through the hallway and enter Brooke’s room.

Brooke: "Oh my God. Oh my God." Brooke embraces Triston," then to me she says, "Get me wired up before I go through this story with you."

Will: "Okay, okay. Here I come," clipping the microphone onto Brooke's hospital gown.

Brooke: "I love you Will, I'm so glad you came. I want you to be here as much as you can."

Will: "Thank you."

Brooke: "You can edit this later."

Will: "Sure" 

Brooke: "This has all felt like being in a hospital waiting to have a baby. I went in at 123 pounds. Yesterday, weighing, I was 144. They were giving me all this nutrition. I wasn't moving, my blood sugar's high, so then they gave me more insulin and then more nutrition. And you know, when I was... the night before the surgery, first off they gave me this mainline hit of Benadryl. And it should have knocked me out or something, but instead it just tripped me out! It was like the best mushrooms I ever had. And I got to the Buddha Mind, and what I see is that yYou're in a Triston suit. And I'm in a Brooke suit. Adam's in an Adam suit. Will is in a Will suit. Underneath the suit, we are quantum. We are so close we can't even tell each other apart. There is no each other.

"When I was thinking about the surgery, and I could just see myself going down this long medical rabbit hole with nothing but decline in the end, with a big hole in my belly and a colostomy bag and no doubt a catheter and probably oxygen, and I'm not doing anything for myself. You know, it was just going to be downhill down and blood and gore and infections and pacemakers and the next thing and the next thing. And then it was just the easiest thing in the world not to go down that medical rabbit hole, and to start rolling down the Other one. And the more I went that way the better I felt. And finally I felt a giant sense of relief. And then I knew what I needed to do. I'm so glad you were ready to roll when it was time.”

Triston: "I'm never ready to roll. I just start rolling."

Brooke: "I know but that's how everybody does. Some people don't roll. But anyway I just want you squared away and there is one other thing." She turns to me, "Do you need a cat?"

Will: "Is it an outdoor cat? Like barn cat?"

Brooke: "Indoor-outdoor cat. He'll cuddle if you want to."

Will: "What's his name?"

Brooke: "Sweetie Boy."

Will: "I know Sweetie Boy! I'll talk to my housemate."

Triston: "He's been more vocal even now."

Brooke: "He's missing me. I'm missing him too. And his little cat meat body.

Triston: “It’d be good for him to have somebody.”

Brooke turns to Adam: "Ice. There’s Ice somewhere.” As she sucks on some ice chips she shares, “Sometimes I use a spoon and drop it down my collar and that's kind of fun too. Sensation is fun. I'm not going to have any after a while. I'm just going to be undifferentiated quantum mass. Not mass but quantum. It's been hard for me to keep the smile off my face." She laughs.

Triston: "I don't think you should try."

Brooke: "I know. I know. I would like some way to listen to some music. And a playlist with Leonard Cohen."

Triston: "I was thinking you would."

Brooke: "And also a little country and western, that 'You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille'."

Will: "I’d love that."

Brooke, after a big exhale: "Oh, it's time. What is time? This is October? It's the 21st right?"

Will: “Yes it is.” 

Triston, after conferring with someone who wants to come into the room: “I’ll be back.” 

Brooke: “I love you darling.”

Triston: “I love you too.”

Brooke: “You go ahead and feel how it hurts. You watched me cry about Carol. You watched me cry about my daddy. It feels better when you do. I know it doesn't make you stronger not to cry. It makes you weaker.”
Brooke takes a phone call, “Hello. Yeah. Well I've got a lot of steroids in me so I feel real good. Yeah but I'm still going to die. I said I'm still going to die because that's the path I've chosen.”

There’s a pause, after which you can hear the person on the other end of the line say, “I'm so sorry.”
Eric Shaefer (husband of Brooke’s friend Janet) quietly enters the room.

Brooke on the phone: “Well, I'm not. I think I'm tired of dragging this old body around. I know where I'm going. Oh no. Yeah. Okay well listen there's plenty of time and I'm actually booked until about seven. You can come tomorrow. Okay. Alright I'll see you soon. I love you. Bye bye.“

She hangs up the phone and announces, “My mechanic of 45 years is coming.”

Will and Eric, together: “George is coming?”

Brooke: “Yeah. Yeah! He invited me to his 65th birthday. We're friends!

Eric: “Yeah he's been a friend of yours for a while.”

Brooke: ”Where’s Janet?”

Eric: “She's been bringing you some flowers.”

Brooke: “Of course. My flower chower darling. I want to sing Amazing Grace with her.” 

Nurse: “Carol Ann's taking over for me. She'll be in here. She'll introduce herself.” 

Brooke: “Okay.” 

Nurse: “I've given her the run down. I told you you're just as fun as ever. She knows the drill. I hope you get some sleep tonight, later on.”

Brooke: “I know. I will. If y'all give me some of that good old Finnergan. Yeah Finnergan and an Ativan, and I'll sleep like a baby.“

Nurse: “Alright. Well I'll be back.” 

Brooke: “If somebody told me the drugs were so good at hospice I'd have done this a long time ago!”  

Janet enters the room with a bouquet coming out of a vase, and Brooke’s friend Beth switches places with Adam.

Brooke: “George Durham's coming. He just started crying when I told him.“

Janet: “Oh really? Oh that's so sweet. He loves you Brooke.“

Brooke: “Well I love them. And I'm really sorry to leave my meat body friends. Well it just seems like the thing to do when something wears out, you recycle it. I just hope I don't get an assignment for about a billion years. I mean, because I did really get up over the edge and take a peek, and it's worth not being here. It's the joining of energy. It's this moving, implacable, energetic patterns. I've had goals, and I see the whole arc of it. You know:
‘oh I want that.’
‘Oh, ah! Oh this feels so good. Yeah, yeah,’
‘Oh God damn I'm worn out.’ And
‘I don't want to do this anymore,’ so. And then it's no goals for a little while, ‘n then
‘Oh, oh I want that!’
“You know, I see the pattern! It's best to just be and do whatever comes most naturally.”

Janet: I'm going to take off, Brooke. 

Brooke: “I love you. I wanna hug. I want to sing Amazing Grace with you once again.” 

Janet: “Okay, here we go.

Janet and Brooke singing together: “Amazing Grace. How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now I'm found. Was blind but now I see.” 

Janet: “Yoo-hoo!”

Brooke: “We sang that on a bad night, didn't we? All curled up in a chair together.“

Janet: “Great to see you. I love you.” 

Brooke: “But everything is worth attention. And nothing is worth struggle. Because it's all taken care of, if you just let it go. It really is.“

Beth: “You're a great teacher. Wisdom.”

Brooke: “Boy, it has been my ambition not to be a teacher. But you know what I think about? I'm sorry, let me say, this is what I think about gurus:
Part of a guru's job is to really fuck up. I had a patient once, and I saw her down in Morgan one day. She had been pretty scarce since she owed me money, but I saw her, and her foot was in a boot. I said, ‘oh what happened?’
She said, ‘Well I was in the park, holding up this sign in front of a bunch of birthday kids, and it said FOLLOW ME, and I stepped into a hole.’ And that to me is what gurus do, because they can't stop using their free will. It always smacks you back. It always does. 
If you just do the easiest, if you just relax into your life and do what feels good to you for as long as it feels good to you, and pay attention so that you don't keep doing something after it feels good to you. So that you don't drink that next beer, or so that you don't pile on another load of classes. The things that keep you happy and calm and peaceful inside yourself are the most things to do.
You don't have to succeed particularly for anyone. If you do something you love, you will succeed. But you don't have to do it for anybody but you. You understand? You want me to shut up? Those are things, we've talked about these things. 
Go for a certain kind of calm fun. Don't do anything so you can get on to the next thing. Do everything holy. I was just saying I hadn't paid enough attention to peeing consciously. I'm serious. And you can't, ‘oh let me go pee and then…’ You just pee. And then is the next thing. But really, you just wash your dishes with full attention, and then the next thing. And then you just sit, and be with yourself, and breathe. 
Look at the wall, because, the wall has secrets. I got a message. I'm sharing it.
I think you all can probably come back at some point. I'm going to be around probably ’til Halloween. That might be a neat place to check out.

Beth: “I love you, my friend.”

Brooke: “I love you too. Take care of yourself, Beth, and for God's sake take, a bubble bath tonight and drink some carrot juice.”

After Beth leaves, Brooke begins to cry, saying, “They’re all so beautiful. I'm so grateful, and I'm so sorry I have to leave, but I really have to.” She begins to laugh again. “Sorry to leave the party early. But we'll party on while I'm here.“

Two people in scrubs enter the room: “Hi. How are you?“

Brooke: “Good.“

“My name is Faith. This is Suzanne.“

Brooke: “You're the nurse?“

Faith: “We're the CNA's,“ (Certified Nurse Assistants).

Brooke: “Okay, hi.” 

Faith: “We're here to help you till about ’leven thirty. Anything you need.” 

Brooke: “I'll just buzz you.“

Faith: “Okay, that works for us.“

Brooke: “Thank you. Your name again?“

”Faith. And Suzanne.“

Brooke: “Thank you.” 

Will: “I actually have to make my way.“

Brooke: “Okay. Thank you for being here. Be here as much as you can please.” 

Will: “I will. See you soon.“

Brooke: “When you live true to yourself, and you end up with friends like these. All I have to say is just do what feels most best to you. Quit when it stops feeling most best. Quit it.“

Will: “On that note, see you all soon.“

Brooke: "You go take care of yourself.”

Will: “Alright, see y‘all soon.”

Brooke: “Think about going for the Sweetie Boy!”