Bright Balloon, Brim of Love

My general sense as I approach these later recordings of Brooke, with increasing spaces between Brooke’s words, is one of “I don’t know.“ From a Zen standpoint, I think Brooke would have considered this just right.

Part of this feels l like approaching something sacred, or something from another dimension, where one might rely on detailed instructions for how to take the appropriate steps, and I’m working with only rough ideas of instructions, some of which contradict...

1) It feels so important to de-mystify the dying process: it is so normal.
2) It feels so important to convey the potency of this process: it is so special.

Brooke’s encouragement to me to “come as much as you can” sent me into a bit of an stress-response: record liberally, edit later. Well, it’s been “later” for nearly five years, and whenever I approach editing these portions of the story, I enter a bog-like state, no clear pathways.

Please trust yourself as you move forward into this story, skip what you need to skip, pausing when you need to pause, taking what’s helpful to you and leaving the rest.

Bright Balloon

October 24, 2021

The third time I visited her at Hospice of the Piedmont’s inpatient facility, both of Brooke’s twins were there, Adam and Eric, along with her older son James. Brooke’s voice is noticeably weaker and slower than before.

Will: Can I turn this off?

Brooke: Yeah, until I start to throw up.

[I turn off the vacuum]

Brooke: I haven't been able to feel my feet for days, and I am blessed and grateful that they do not tingle. They are just numb. I think if Kevin was still here, I'd never be able to let go. [Brooke sighs] You can play “Hallelujah” again in just a little bit. That or “Bird on a Wire.” I'm past Dylan Energy now. I would love to hear “Suzanne.” Wish I’d spent more time with music than news.

[“Suzanne” by Leonard Cohen start to play]

Brooke: Now I'm just going to be the newspaper on the bottom of the hamster cage.

[The song continues, with Brooke joining for phrases, “And she’ll feed you tea and oranges that come all the way from China”… a doctor enters the room, announcing herself, and the music stops].

Doctor: Hey, what a party in here!

Brooke: Mhmm, Hi

Doctor: I heard sorta down, up-and-down during the night? With some nausea?

Brooke: It's better right now. Now, it's more pain on the other side of the abscess.

Doctor: On the other side?

Brooke: Yeah it has been up here, but here this feels like an actual intestinal pain.

Doctor: Okay. Have you moved your bowels?

Brooke: No, I don't think I'm going to. I mean I just don't think it's going to happen. I feel like that painting over there. It says “Death will peel me like a banana and pop me like a bright balloon.” Well, I'm a bright balloon.

Doctor: Okay. So right now, how can we help you be better?

Brooke: Well I just had some fentanyl and I'm not... I need about a drop of water at a time to be able to swallow or speak.

Doctor: So Nurse Jackie told me that you were not wanting the antibiotic infusion anymore.

Brooke: I don't see any point. Well I mean... What are we prolonging?

Doctor: I would agree. I'm going to say...

[Brooke begins to heave and flips on her suction device, placing it into her mouth, when nothing comes up, she removes it and nods to the doctor]. Yeah.

Doctor: Antibiotics help heal, you know, in a way. I mean our bodies are always trying to fix things.

Brooke: Well I don't want to fix anything.

Doctor: Okay.

Brooke: I think Phenergan is the thing that takes both pain and nausea and consciousness, and I'm finally ready to let go of some of that.

Doctor: Okay.

Brooke: It's going to take some real doing for me to let go of these wonderful people. [Brooke begins to cry]

Doctor: Right.

Brooke: There's a story where the Zen master writes to his students and he says, “I will be leaving this world tomorrow.” And I've always felt like I could probably do that too.

Doctor: Yeah. There's definitely a component like that. You know, those of us that have worked in this, you know, definitely observe.

Brooke: Yeah. Well I'm just allowing myself the grief of losing them.

Doctor: Absolutely. And I am affirming that. Because I think that's an important piece of this process.

Brooke: I may need a little knocking from the pain and the stuff.

Doctor: Well we take it day by day, moment by moment.

Brooke: Don’t say, “day by day.” That sounds too, too long. [she lets out a big exhale]

Will: You’re thinking days?

Doctor: Well, that's my estimation.

Brooke: Oh God, I hope not.

James: Well you... It's up to you, Mom.

Brooke: I know. I just want half a dose of Phenergan. We'll go from there. I'll be very concrete. And Jackie is a kick ass nurse. I really like her.

Will: Me too.

Brooke, tearfully: Who knew I could fall in love with so many more people, just in the last week?

Doctor: Well thanks for letting us take care of you.

Brooke: Thank you for doing it. You're just wonderful. Half a dose of Phenergan. [Brooke laughs]

Brim of Love

I’ve heard that one’s experience of reality can be divided into four phases, like seasons, with Life and Death analogous to Summer and Winter, coming into a body like spring, and dying like fall. After having witnessed a number of people in the dying process, I can attest to the fact that they’re on a different channel than the living. Brooke is one of the first people I had the privilege of sitting with during that time.

Oct 27, 2021

I start narrating as I’m walking through the parking lot: I made it back to the hospice spot where Brooke has been declining since I last saw her. She's apparently been more in-and-out since then. And I'm only going to get to be here with her for what feels to me right now like a pretty short amount of time. Maybe 20 minutes, 30 minutes, nothing. Putting on a mask. Doorbell. [I enter the building and speak to the volunteer sitting at the nurses station], “How's it going today?“

Volunteer: Busy. 

W: Okay. [signing in]

Volunteer: Great. Have a good day. 

W: Thank you. You too. [I enter Brooke’s room] Hi. 

Adam: Hi. She's pretty well out but, you know, she likes to be woken up to say hi.

W: okay, okay

Adam [to Brooke]: Will's here to see you. 

Brooke: Hi. 

Will: Hi

[Brooke makes a moaning sound, and I cry a little, she says something indiscernible, possible “so sweet”]

Adam: I'm going to get her some water. This will help her talk. 

[I turn off the suction device] 

[Brooke says something about the suction device being turned off]

W: You said don't turn it off? 

Brooke: I said it feels good turned off. 

W: Oh, good. 

Brooke: [big exhale] That sour cream is real sour. [She says something else indiscernible]

Adam: How you doing, Ma?

Brooke: Fine, I just wanna [indiscernible]

Adam: You just wanna what?

Brooke: I don’t know.

W: Last time I was here was Sunday. Of course, today is Wednesday. 

Brooke: Really? 

W: Yeah. It's been three days since we saw each other. 

Brooke: Oh. I just want to [indiscernible] 

W: I'm coming in close so I can hear you. 

Brooke: [indiscernible, she speaks with a kind of plainness that comes through regardless of the words, like these are the sounds coming out, and that’s just that]  

Adam: You okay, Ma? 

Brooke, with an increased emphasis: I’m just feeling the br, brim of love

Will: What’s that?

Brooke: Filled with the brim of love. 

[Adam and I start to cry]

Brooke: It will be ok

Adam: Yeah, it will. It will be okay. 

Brooke: Water. 

Adam: Okay, breathe. There we go. [to Will] You know, she'll interact with us or she'll talk about, she'll talk to her uncle who’s gone, for a while the other day. And then she'll just be totally gone. You know, I was talking to my sister about something with her phone, and that the SD card was wrong, and she said ‘I got one, I'll get it for you.’ We didn't even know she was in any way present. 

W: Yeah, they say that she should be able to hear for a while. 

Brooke: I hear. 

W: Yeah. Did Janet make it today? 

Adam: Yeah. Sorry she missed you. 

W: Do you need any relief? 

Adam: No, we're okay. There may come a time. James and Kevin go back to Texas in the morning, and so it's Eric and I and then, you know, whoever we can call out. We're talking about trading nights. 

W: I could possibly take a night. 

Adam: That would be amazing. Yeah. We, you know, she might be here for a while. She might not. 

Brooke: No. 

W: She's been pretty clear. 

Adam: I've only slept here one night so far. I'm doing tonight as well. But, you know, she'll just sort of pre-allocate me water. Most of the time she's just asleep. 

[period of time where no one is speaking, the sound of Brooke breathing audible]

W: I'm going to sneak out of here, Brooke. 

Brooke: Okay. 

W: I’ll plan to come back on Friday. If you're here or not here, I'll be here, okay? 

Brooke: Okay. I love you. 

W: I love you too. 

Brooke: We have had an experience. We need some lemon squirted in. 

Adam: What's that? 

W: Some lemon squirted in? 

Brooke: In the water, yeah. 

Adam: Oh. Some lemon squirted in the water. I don't know if we have anything lemon, but I'll see if it's fine. 

Brooke: Bet they do. 

Adam: They do? 

Brooke: Bet they do. 

Adam: I bet they do too. Yeah. I'll take care of that soon, Mom. Do you want to sip the water right now? Okay. There's no lemon in it yet, but I'll ask them about it for the next time. Here you go. I'll go get you some beverages, Mom.